Broken promises,
We lost the joy that we once knew.
Where do we go from here,
From something old to something new?
Past dreams done gone from me,
I’m losing daylight, losing view.
Son of God, where are You now?
Do You feel my need?

This last Sunday, I found myself sick of praying. I languished in bed, not even able to pull myself out for church. “Aaah, I’ll just go to another church in the evening.”  And I didn’t even to that.

And I did not want to pray. I have been praying for a lot of things: ailing elderly parents, irritating goings-on a work, a recently broken relationship that I would love desparately for God to fix, and an ex-girlfriend whom I love whom I fear has strayed away from the Lover of her soul.  All weighty things.

I’m lost within this forest,
Barricaded by the trees.
Will You hear my cry for help,
Would You forgive me?
I’m so far away,
I’ve run so far away.

Yet my parents still suffer, despairingly. Work has nearly removed my ability to have a social life. And I don’t know that God will do anything to restore my broken relationship with the woman I loved. Sin has a grip on me: I lack faith. I worry. Lust tempts me. And I find it hard to believe that God is up to much of anything.

Yet I was compelled this morning, to pray even when no fiber in my being felt able to, or willing. I fought it. And I wept before my Father. And the prayers spewed forth, along with the ample tears and snot running uncontrollably down my face. I felt like a blubbering fool. And yet God loved the mess that I was in, and that I would approach Him, broken yet again.

Broken promises,
Broken by me and not by You.
Jesus, break me.
Lord, snap my stubborn heart in two.
Lonely hours, so many wasted talents
That I’ve sown.
But now I’m ready to follow You, Jesus.
My dear Lord I’m coming home

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.  

Hebrews 4:16 ESV

Did I draw near to the throne in confidence?  Uh, that would be no.  I am praying because it’s all I got now, not because I necessarily believe my requests will be rewarded.  I ask it all in Jesus name, but I am still waiting for God to prove his power to me.  Waiting… and maybe my requests will not be answered the way I see fit.  And they tell me, whatever God’s answer is will be best for me.  I am still waiting. 

Lord, I want you to change me,
Rearrange me.
Lord, I want You to mold me.
I just want You to hold me.
Sweet Savior, just love me.
Your thoughts are so high above me.
I confess that I need You.
I really know that I need You.
I need You. 

So I am on this journey.  Through a dark wood.  Things are dim, but I know they are there.  And I will emerge at some point, into a beautiful glade at the outer edge.  Or so I am told.

Lord, help me to follow You.
Jesus, I’m gonna follow You.
I give my whole life to You.
Jesus, I’m gonna follow You.
My dear Lord, I’m coming home

Lyrics in this post are from “Awaiting
Your Reply” by Resurrection Band

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 10th, 2007 at 3:09 pm and is filed under Alex's Life, Challenge/Growth, Spiritual Formation. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.